6 Funny Love Quotes, Checked Against the Source
Six funny love lines from Homer, Austen, Franklin and Shakespeare traced to the text, plus the famous marriage jokes we could not source.
"There is nothing better in this world than that man and wife should be of one mind in a house. It discomfits their enemies, makes the hearts of their friends glad." That is Odysseus talking to a young princess on a beach in Book 6 of the Odyssey, in Samuel Butler's English. It is also the oldest funny-sounding thing on this page, because anyone who has ever argued about what to have for dinner knows how rare being "of one mind" is.
Funny love quotes are the ones most often pinned on the wrong person. A joke about marriage gets passed around until it lands on Groucho Marx or Mark Twain. So this page holds six lines we checked against the text itself (a Project Gutenberg edition or the almanac page), followed by a short list of famous marriage jokes we could not source. Use the first group with confidence in a card or toast. Treat the second as "widely said", nothing more.
Six funny love lines you can trace to a page
Homer, The Odyssey, Book 6 (Butler translation)
"May heaven grant you in all things your heart's desire—husband, house, and a happy, peaceful home; for there is nothing better in this world than that man and wife should be of one mind in a house. It discomfits their enemies, makes the hearts of their friends glad, and they themselves know more about it than any one."
Odysseus, washed up and unwashed, is flattering Nausicaa, and the closing clause is the funny part: couples who agree know more about it "than any one", which is true mostly because nobody else is in the room. Translations differ a lot here (other versions say "nothing nobler"), so if you quote it, name the translator. Good for a wedding toast; it opens warm and then winks.
Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, 1813
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."
Austen's first sentence is a joke played with a straight face: the "truth" is really what the neighbourhood's mothers want. Note the wording, because many sites print a comma after "fortune" that the Gutenberg text does not have. Use it to open a card to someone you met through a matchmaking friend.
Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard, 1738
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards."
It appears among the proverbs in the 1738 edition of Franklin's almanac, so it is a printed proverb, not a private letter. The joke is the generosity: after the wedding, you stop inspecting your partner's faults. It works well tucked into an anniversary note.
William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing, c. 1598
The play is the best source of funny love lines in English because its lovers insult each other until they cannot stop. Three exact lines from the Gutenberg text:
There is a kind of merry war betwixt Signior Benedick and her; they never meet but there's a skirmish of wit between them.
Leonato, Act 1 Scene 1
This is the play's own description of the couple, and it is a handy way to describe a partner you tease constantly.
"I do love nothing in the world so well as you: is not that strange?"
As strange as the thing I know not. It were as possible for me to say I loved nothing so well as you; but believe me not, and yet I lie not; I confess nothing, nor I deny nothing.
Benedick and Beatrice, Act 4 Scene 1
The most reluctant declaration in the language: each tries to say it without quite saying it. Quote the first line alone for a short card, or both together if the person you love enjoys a riddle.
Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably.
Benedick, Act 5 Scene 2
Beatrice answers that nobody wise praises himself, and the argument carries on. This line suits a couple who love debating each other. Keep it short, and it needs no explanation.
Famous marriage jokes we could not source
An earlier version of this page gave years and books for the lines below. We could not confirm those dates or works, so they have been removed. "Widely attributed" means many quote sites repeat the line, not that anyone has found the original.
| Line | Usually credited to | What we found |
|---|---|---|
| "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." | Groucho Marx | Repeated by PBS and many quote sites; no book page, broadcast or letter located. |
| "I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." | Rita Rudner | Used in her stage billing and press profiles, so likely her stand-up material; the book and year once given here were not confirmed. |
| "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." | Rodney Dangerfield | A stand-up staple; the "Tonight Show 1968" citation was not confirmed. |
| "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." | Phyllis Diller | Widely attributed; the housekeeping-book citation was not confirmed. |
| "I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid." | Dorothy Parker | Often credited to Parker; the 1922 newspaper source was not confirmed. |
| "Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too." | H. L. Mencken | Widely attributed; the 1916 book citation was not confirmed. |
Two other lines previously on this page were dropped entirely: a "Reader's Digest 1995" proverb credited to Anonymous, and a "texting competition" joke credited to "modern comedians". Neither had a source, so neither belongs here. If you want to chase one of these to its origin, our guide to misattributed love quotes shows how.
How to choose a funny line for a card or toast
- Tease the habit, not the person. "Keep your eyes half shut" is gentler than a joke about their flaws.
- Quote less. One line plus a half-sentence of your own beats a block of text.
- Name the source. A reader who sees "Poor Richard, 1738" trusts the card more than one with "Anonymous".
- Match the setting. For the wording of a longer note, see our letter to a husband, and for how to close it, how to start and end a love letter.
Questions readers send in
Can I use a sarcastic quote in a wedding vow?
A gentle, self-deprecating joke about your own flaws works well; cynical lines about the institution of marriage usually clash with the purpose of a vow. The Odyssey and Much Ado lines above sit comfortably in a toast.
Why are so many historical love quotes actually insults?
Much Ado shows why: teasing was a way to flirt. Beatrice and Benedick spar because the war is merry, in Leonato's words.
How do I attribute a funny quote if the author is unknown?
Say "widely attributed to" the person, or name the earliest place you found it. Modern jokes are often pinned on Mark Twain or Albert Einstein with no evidence.
